Infatuation

I can feel it. It’s coming over me little by little. It’s the amount of space being occupied in my mind, slowly expanding evermore. What’s worse is that I can see it happening: once again a man has come into my life, and I have almost consciously made the decision to let him take over my thoughts, distract me from conversations and class lectures, and create fantastical outcomes of every scenario. You know it’s bad when I’ve decided that other men just aren’t as attractive, and I simply cannot help the fact that I”m immensely attracted to him; I want him. Just him.

But it’s always the same story: fall for him–fall hard–only to discover that he “doesn’t want a relationship right now/likes you as a friend,” lose self-esteem, make terrible mistakes, and continue in a downward spiral until another boy appears who will show interest and portray the kind of love you want to experience, only to begin the cycle again. Love is hard.

Unfortunately, I know that I’m mostly to blame. While I desire to be loved with an unmatched passion, it is immensely difficult for me to show that reciprocating love pent up within me. How to let him know your true feelings? For me, committing to someone is a big step. Once it’s done, the effort I put in is enormous. The problem is getting there.

At the moment, I can feel myself falling for another guy, and this time, I really want this to work. It’s bad enough that he’s constantly on my mind, or that his name on an unopened text message has the capacity to elate me for minutes without even having read it yet.

Having reread what I’ve written so far in this post, I’m almost embarrassed by the trueness of it all, and how much of an effect this man has on my life.

All in all, though, I’d rather live a life full of passionate emotions and experience love and loss as opposed to never loving at all.

End-of-term blues

So it’s officially that time of the term again where everyday I just want to ignore the world and crawl into my bed and watch sappy romance movies and drink hot chocolate. Each time someone asks “oh how are you doing?–you look really tired,” I have to suppress the urges to cry and punch them in the face. I want to pretend that this next week of school isn’t worth about 90-100% of each of my class’ final grades.

Almost every class I  spend a solid 15 minutes deciding whether I want to go or stay home and sleep for more than the four hours that I managed to squeeze in the night before. My diet has turned to shit, and my social life is nearly non-existent; I find it the most rewarding and amazingly social thing to sit and have coffee with someone for 20 minutes. I just have to keep telling myself that winter break will be the most amazing break that I’ve yet experienced, and that I only have to get by the next two weeks with the torture of my final presentations and papers to reach that goal.

I’m only comforted by the thought that the pain I suffer now will soon be gone, I will be able to sleep as much as I desire, my friends who I’ve neglected all term due to business of schedule will see me again, those books that have been piling up on my bedside table begging to be read will be, and I can finally get into the holiday spirit with delicious foods and cheer.

BUT what am I doing here, typing this blog instead of my economics research paper on Quesnay’s theory of value as represented in the Tableau Economique? At least I have this grey and rainy day, Mozart’s requiem in D minor, and this cup of tea to relax and yet inspire me to continue with this overwhelmingly stressful workload for the next two weeks.

study study

Here’s a blog post I wrote for my other blog, the PSU Chronicles!

PSU Chronicles

If you’re like me, you aren’t old enough to experience the night life of Portland. It seems that everything after-hours requires an ID. So what’s there to do when you’re itching to get out, but you can’t get in to 21+ places? I prefer the following places which have excellent food and foster friendly and relaxing environments.

  • Le Bistro Montage: (301 SE Morrison) located underneath the Morrison Bridge on the east side. Once you enter, it’s hard not to enjoy yourself in the dimly lit room with music blasting and shared community tables. And trust me, if you’re craving mac-n-cheese, this is the place to go. Everything they serve is delicious, and they always give away the most creative to-go packages.
  • The Roxy: (1121 SW Stark) This 24hr joint has basically everything that you’d crave at 2 or 3am, minus alcohol and ice cream. It’s 15 minutes from campus, and…

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Food for Thought

What if all women were bigger and stronger than you?

And thought they were smarter?

What if women were the ones who started wars?

What if too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos and no K-Y Jelly?

What if the state trooper who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike was a woman and carried a gun?

What if the ability to menstruate was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs?

What if your attractiveness to women depended on the size of your penis?

What if every time women saw you they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands?

What if women were always making jokes about how ugly penises are and how bad sperm tastes?

What if you had to explain what’s wrong with your car to big sweaty women with greasy hands who stared at your crotch in a garage where you are surrounded by posters of naked men with hard-ons?

What if men’s magazines featured cover photos of 14-year-old boys with socks tucked into the front of their jeans and articles like: “How to tell if your wife is unfaithful” or “What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate” or “The truth about impotence”?

What if the doctor who examined your prostate was a woman and called you “Honey”?

What if you had to inhale your boss’ stale cigar breath as she insisted that sleeping with her was part of the job?

What if you couldn’t get away because the company dress code required you wear shoes designed to keep you from running?

And what if after all that women still wanted you to love them?

— “For the Men Who Still Don’t Get It,” Carol Diehl

How about an update and a commentary on the men I’ve attracted this summer

Soooo… I’ll admit that I started strong with this blog, and then suddenly I kind-of fell off the radar and became consumed with my summer life.

Briefly, I had a couple of interviews, and I now work for a 50’s restaurant as a waitress, a blogger for one of my school’s webpages, and finally a news reporter for the PSU Vanguard. So I was able to find employment! The restaurant still hasn’t opened yet, and I don’t start the other two writing jobs until after school starts, so in the meantime I’m still stuck here not making any money…

Also, about a week and a half ago, one of my brothers left for college in North Dakota. I have to admit, it’s been lonely since my whole family left to help him move in a visit other relatives. I won’t be seeing him until December. It’s weird to think that he’s going to be gone for so long, when I’m so used to seeing him almost everyday. While they left for the midwest, I stayed here in Portland to watch my puppy who just had knee surgery and to finish my calculus class.

BUT! Now that I’ve been able to let that out…

I’ve been noticing a pattern recently: shorter-than-me, stranger-than-I-appreciate, and just not-my-type guys have been asking me out recently. All I can say is: if you have bigger boobs than me, and your height only reaches up to mine, then how am I supposed to find you attractive? Within the past month I’ve had to find my big-girl pants and just set it straight for them. There is something about men who are more then 2 inches shorter than me that creates an instant turn-off. Also, when they try to get me to get with them, they use lines like “hey why don’t you bake some cupcakes and come over and drink wine with me and give me a massage,” my interest starts dwindling REAL fast. Why on Earth would I want to caress your man boobs?! Eew. Again, instant turn off. The other best line I’ve heard was “oh, yeah I’m still kind of obsessed with this other girl, and it’s complicated, but maybe you want to grab dinner with me tomorrow?” Haha..no. Finally, if you are 27, and you can’t even hold a minimum wage-paying job for more than a month without getting fired, and your dream in life is to become a starving artist, please move on.

I think that I’m too nice. It’s hard for me to say no, because I like please people and to see them happy. But often times I say yes with the intention of saying no later, just so that I don’t have to hurt their manpride infront of someone, or so that I can come up with a more graceful and less demeaning way of saying “listen, I’m really NOT interested in you at all.”

How can I give off the vibe that I want a tall man, who is intelligent yet has an amusing (yet not too) juvenile sense of humor, and who is interested in going on adventures with me? If I have bigger hands than you, out weigh you by 50 pounds, and make you look like my son when I wear heels, then you are not my type. But yet, these seem to be the men that I attract…

A close friend of mine told me this last weekend that I need to “embrace my destiny” of being with a short man…but not if I can help it ;)

 

 

**not trying to sound snobby here. Of course everyone has personal tastes and preferences. And this is not to say that I immediately dismiss whomever approaches me who happens to be shorter, but it does kind of count as negative points towards them. It’s like this: if you’re short, I’ll still date you if you have a sparkling personality and make me laugh :)**

Open Your Eyes…

This definitely caught my eye as I was perusing my blog feed. This seems to perfectly sum up my worries about my own life right about now. I know that I’m worried about wasting my life away, and that someday I’ll look back and wonder why I didn’t do such-and-such. I wish that our mindset as a civilization could change, and people would do what they wanted, enjoyed the little things, learned to love and laugh and experience, and not spend the whole of their lives preparing for the ”next” thing.

thejumbledmind

An excellent sign…

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/576234_461483530537392_2054826219_n.jpg

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Somehow, the first 5 minutes of The Newsroom tells more truth than anyone wants to hear

Ok, so I might have been a little late in catching onto this show. People have been driving me crazy with constant Facebook posts about how great this show was, and about how everyone should go watch it, blah blah blah… I’m always a little leery when it comes to recommended shows, mostly because I don’t appreciate anything that resembles reality TV unless it involves watching it with some girlfriends, eating a carton of ice cream while trying to make ourselves feel better about some life drama. But as I was thinking about this, I remembered that HBO doesn’t tend to air trashy TV, and decided to give it a chance.

Within the first 5 minutes, I knew that I would be watching more of this series, and at least give it a shot. The very first episode opens with some kind of forum with a democrat, and republican, and a news anchor (Will McAvoy, played by Jeff Daniels). There is some kind of emotional drama happening for a couple of minutes, but then the panel are asked by a woman who appears to be in college “Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?” Will McAvoy answers with basically with what is dictated below:

All too true

I was immediately struck by this two minute rant, and could not help but keep my eyes glued for the next hour and 10 minutes. If anything, I would seriously recommend just watching the first 10 minutes of this episode. The truth spoken here is all too true, and the continuation of his explanation that follows this point cannot be argued. Something that I find so irritating is how people simply choose a political party, and bandwagon-it just so that they can say that they think they know what is happening in politics. Now, I would never say that I’m completely aware of what’s what,  or to understand how everything works, but I do know that before I vote for something or someone that I check up on what it is that I’m really doing. There is nothing that I hate more than someone who will join a party or a stance on something, and then not even be able to explain or argue their case more than “because I said so,”  “because it’s just the right/logical thing to do,” or worse yet “because I’m a republican/democrat/socialist/etc.”

The same logic applies to the question asked on this episode. In America, many of us tend to have this view that because we are American we are better. Yet all around the world, we see equal if not better standards of living, happiness, education, healthcare, economies… the list continues. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish that people would use their rationale to come up with views, instead of being lazy and taking the easy (and often unconsciously obtuse) option.

What I mostly appreciated from the first ten minutes of The Newsroom was its brutal honesty, and total bashing of ignorance.

And then I’m reminded why I’m not studying and working towards being a politician: I would always be angry.

I need a job

This week, I’ve been overly frustrated with my failed attempts to even land a job interview. I know that I need a job this summer, so that I can have some source of steady income, reduce my student debt, and hopefully start saving to study abroad for next summer. Why is the Portland job market so bad? If  I’ve never had any experience with food, cash/tills, or professional customer service, then where am I supposed to start? I am always beat out by people who have had much more experience than me.

On Monday, I was called by Starbucks, who said that I could show up to a job fair the following day to be interviewed (alongside every other person who has applied online). I, however, have had RA summer training all this week until 1pm, and had to deny the offer. I was annoyed.

Then, that same day, I was in TartBerry, which is a fro-yo place up by Director Park. I happened to ask if they were hiring, and they said that they were, in fact, hiring for a newer store located on campus, and that I could drop a resume off at the store to be considered. I did just that. I walked into that store and handed over my resume to the owner, trying to show that I was very interested and friendly, and she said to call back within a day or so to see what the status was. I called back two days later, and she pretended like she didn’t know that I had turned in my resume, and then proceeded to tell me “no, we’re not hiring right now. But I’ll keep your resume on my desk–maybe something will pop up in the future.” In my disappointment, I looked to the PSU job database, and found… job openings for TartBerry! While the thought “what the hell” kept running in my head, I debated calling that lady back, or walking to the store and asking her if she had mistaken my resume. This would not have been a wise choice though, and I’m glad I just kept my disdain to myself.

I just don’t understand how I can’t even land a minimum wage job! My resume, while lacking in excessive professional experience, does have a good GPA shown, an almost annoying amount of leadership qualities and responsibilities, and through the number and variety of activities and skills demonstrates my ability to adapt, learn, and thrive when given the chance. I just wish there was a way that I could convey that to someone who would pay me for a real part-time job.

Hospitals

I’m currently sitting inside a hospital right now, waiting for my mom to come out of an operation. Hospitals are a little weird for me in that there is such a conflict of emotions. One minute I think to myself, “why didn’t I decide to do something productive with my life, like being a doctor or a nurse, and saving people?” And the next minute, I’m looking at all of the sick people, and realizing that I could never permanently work in an environment like this. It’s cold, and I can’t stop thinking about cleanliness, or trying to decide in my head who looks like they’re going to die and who’s only here for a minor operation.  And then I turn back to the idea of a profession that will never die, in which there will always be a need, and which could give me happy karma points for improving the health of others. I guess when it all comes down to it, I’m too much of a pansy to be a doctor, and I’m too lazy to go to school for so many years.

At least they have really good food in hospitals. This mango smoothie is awesome! :)