Infatuation

I can feel it. It’s coming over me little by little. It’s the amount of space being occupied in my mind, slowly expanding evermore. What’s worse is that I can see it happening: once again a man has come into my life, and I have almost consciously made the decision to let him take over my thoughts, distract me from conversations and class lectures, and create fantastical outcomes of every scenario. You know it’s bad when I’ve decided that other men just aren’t as attractive, and I simply cannot help the fact that I”m immensely attracted to him; I want him. Just him.

But it’s always the same story: fall for him–fall hard–only to discover that he “doesn’t want a relationship right now/likes you as a friend,” lose self-esteem, make terrible mistakes, and continue in a downward spiral until another boy appears who will show interest and portray the kind of love you want to experience, only to begin the cycle again. Love is hard.

Unfortunately, I know that I’m mostly to blame. While I desire to be loved with an unmatched passion, it is immensely difficult for me to show that reciprocating love pent up within me. How to let him know your true feelings? For me, committing to someone is a big step. Once it’s done, the effort I put in is enormous. The problem is getting there.

At the moment, I can feel myself falling for another guy, and this time, I really want this to work. It’s bad enough that he’s constantly on my mind, or that his name on an unopened text message has the capacity to elate me for minutes without even having read it yet.

Having reread what I’ve written so far in this post, I’m almost embarrassed by the trueness of it all, and how much of an effect this man has on my life.

All in all, though, I’d rather live a life full of passionate emotions and experience love and loss as opposed to never loving at all.